I can be quite the whiner.

You know it’s true… looking back through my recent posts - read them doing your best impression of a three year old and you’ll hear it - Aaron’s pity party. Sadly, it’s a party I’ve been throwing for most of the last 3 years… see?

I’m a blamer… discontent in my life pace, circumstances, workload, and spiritual zeal - I boldly… complain on my blog and try to think my way through it.  And it doesn’t work.

So, in my thinking I’ve came to a minor epiphany…  life is out of control.

Obvious, I know… but, I tend to miss the obvious when I’m this busy and this self absorbed.

I have a love/hate relationship with control.  I have always prided myself in my patience and flexibility - living life in a “holding my plans with an open hand” manner.  I see unmanipulated life circumstances as a sign of God’s will.  I appreciate meekness over passion.  And I generally take a “wait and see” approach to decisions.  I’ve judged others as “control freaks” for being conscientious, deliberate, or aggressive.  I desire to lead and “challenge the process” but in a kinder, gentler way.  I acquiesce… a lot.

I’m not supposed to be in control of my life -God is, right?  My “ah ha” lately is that neither God nor I is currently in control of this life.  I’ve delegated control to every single person in my life: students I serve at Grace, my co-workers, supervisors, family members… pretty much anyone who asks (’cause I can’t say “no” to anyone except Lowe’s employees).

My new goal is to be more proactive, less whiney - to take back some of the control.  Then, I can actually give control over to God as a direct act of worship. Free will restored and applied.

Yup.  That’s my goal.  Now to figure out HOW to do this, because it’s going to take some courage that I’ve seldom demonstrated in the past.

Lord, help me put faith and action to these learnings…

Metanoia,
Aaron

One of the largest obstacles to true Sabbath Keeping is leisure. (Rest of God, 35)

It appears I don’t rest well.  Instead of retreating to a time of sacred Sabbath, I usually spend my non-working time in one of two ways:

1. I maintain my pace (break-neck-busy) doing yardwork, shopping, home repair, and errands - stuff I don’t have time or energy for during “normal” times.  I stay locked into full-achievement gear.
2. I shut down.  This might look like a weekend of Hulu and movies, or an escape into a novel (I can’t put a book down once I start), or a trip to visit friends or family… it might just be an evening of mindless Facebook stalking or blog ingesting.  Vacating at its finest.

Neither is rest.  Neither is refreshing.  Neither gives me focus or perspective.  Neither feeds my soul.  One leaves me more exhausted than I was when I stopped working.  The other leaves me feeling guilty and reacquaints me with my stress when I check back in.

Don’t misunderstand what I am saying.  I NEED days like these - they are a part of a healthy rhythm of life.  There can be something quite satisfying about a day of working on my “honey do” list.  It’s good to get away from home to see loved ones and have some “alone time” from the mundane and familiar.  It can be life giving to lose yourself in a filmmakers storytelling or the pages of good book.  These things are not sin.

But they are also not Sabbath.  Not entirely.  And that’s where my thinking needs to shift.

What is sabbath?  Not entirely sure I’ve grasped that yet.  I’m only 40 pages into Buchanan’s book

Lent Update

We’re over a week into Lent and I’m feeling pretty good about the experience.  Here were my commitments:

• intentionally reflect on the pace of my life as it relates to work, rest, and busyness (I’ve done a TON of this - mostly to my great disappointment in myself.  Some of this processing I’ve done through this blog, and I’m actually fairly proud of my progress there - 4 posts in just over a week nearly matches my total for all of last year!)
• read Buchanan’s “The Rest of God” and other readings about Sabbath (2 chapters into Buchanan - FULLY enjoying.  Looking to reread a couple of chapters in Willard’s “The Great Omission” sometime soon.  There was a chapter about Sabbath there that was so convicting to me two years ago I haven’t been able to touch it - or finish it - since.  Am I really ready to take this topic seriously???  Do I have a choice?)
• take at least 4 days off before Easter (Took yesterday off - a Thursday.  It was a mixed blessing - not necessarily a Sabbath - I don’t think… but good to get away from the office and be with family most of the day, and a friend for breakfast. I’ve asked off two more days, still need to find a date for the fourth.)
• get more sleep (at least 6.5 hours, generally in bed by 11 and up by 6).  (I’m not doing stellar here.  Averaging 6 hours, but very inconsistent sleep/wake times.)
• no caffeine after lunch and no food after supper. (boo-yah, grandma!  I’ve done well in this “micro-fast” and finding it a great reminder of the “sacredness” of Lent.  Every time I grab a water instead of a Diet Coke or say “no” to a late night snack, I’m reminded of these commitments.

So, I’m 3.5 days into my journey of thinking about rest - my commitment for Lent this year.  To review, I’ve decided to:

• intentionally reflect on the pace of my life as it relates to work, rest, and busyness
• read Buchanan’s “The Rest of God” and other readings about Sabbath
• take at least 4 days off before Easter
• get more sleep (at least 6.5 hours, generally in bed by 11 and up by 6)
• no caffeine after lunch and no food after supper

The harder I worked, the less I accomplished… My days were intricately fitted together like the old game of of Mousetrap, every piece precariously connected to every other, the whole thing needing to work together foe it to work at all.  But there was little fruit and stunted fruit… Here’s a secret: for all my busyness, I was increasingly slothful.  I could wile away hours at a time in a masquerade of working, a pantomime of toil - fiddling  about on the computer, leafing through old magazines, chatting up people in the hallways. But I was squandering time, not redeeming it.  And whenever I stepped out for a vacation, I did just that: vacated, evacuated, spilled myself empty…  The inmost places suffered most.  I was losing perspective.  (The Rest of God, 1-2)

Any deep change in how we live begins with a deep change in how we think.  The biblical word for this is repentance - in Greek, metanoia, a change of mind. (The Rest of God, 4-5)

I am tired.

Not falling asleep in class tired (trust me, I’ve experienced that numerous times), or out of breath tired. it’s not exactly sick-and-tired.  I’m not necessarily upset about this, in fact, if I’m being honest, I actually enjoy it sometimes.  It’s the tired you get when you continuously engage in a tiresome schedule and run at a tiring pace.  It’s a work + family + friends + church + house tired.

It’s a too busy for rest tired.

And it’s becoming a problem.

I’m not experiencing a “tired crisis” of any specific kind.  I’m relatively healthy, my family is relatively supportive and happy, my relationships are okay - maybe not great, but okay, and my walk with God seems fairly close.  But something tells me that this “tired” isn’t okay.

Living tired isn’t living.

Obviously, I’m having a bit of a hard time defining this.  But there are a few things I’m sure of: it isn’t healthy, it isn’t life as God intended, and I have a responsibility to do something about it.

Now, if you are reading this (welcome inside my head, by the way. I’m probably writing this more for the benefit of organizing my thoughts than to influence yours, but figured others might be able to speak toward or benefit from my musings if I threw them out here…) please don’t simplify this issue.  I don’t want to hear trite encouragements to “pray more,” or “take more time off,” or - my favorite - “prioritize.”  All those are truth, but I’m too tired to see clearly how to apply that advice.

This tiredness… this life-pace problem… this work/rest relationship is complicated.  I’ve been down this road a thousand times only to realize again and again that I’ve gone in a circle.  I’ve tried spiritual practices, being more health conscious, seeking wise counsel, and building better boundaries.  Both problem and solutions are multi-layered and potentially chronic.

So, I’ve decided on a first step.  I’m going to… here it comes… think about this more.

Perhaps that seems like a weak first step, but I’m pretty tired, and when I’m tired, intentional reflection is the first casualty.  So, I’m going to spend some time and energy (both in short supply) considering how I can overcome tiredness, find my rhythm, restore my soul, and start really living.

I’m grateful for some religious leaders at some unknown point in history instituted a time of spiritual preparation in the 40 days leading up to Easter called “Lent.”  I’ve adopted this practice at various times in the past to focus my life in one direction or another.  So this year I’m going to do some thinking.

For the sake of accountability and my own processing… here’s what this “thinking” will look like:

• use this blog to share some thoughts about topics like work, rest, sabbath, and pace
• read Mark Buchanan’s “The Rest of God”
• review 3 or 4 other books and articles I’ve collected on this topic in the last couple of years.
• be intentional to get enough sleep each night (goal: in bed by 11, at least 6.5 hours a night).
• take a “tithe” of these 40 days off - 4 days may not seem like a lot, but this is spring at Grace College.
• I’m not sure how this fits, but traditionally Lent has included abstaining from something for this brief time.  I’ve decided to cut out all food after supper and all coffee after lunch.

If you are here, you probably clicked on the link from my email signature, or my facebook page, or maybe my twitter profile.  You might immediately notice that I don’t update this thing very consistently.  Sorry if this has wasted your time in the past.

While I have worked on a couple of posts but never published them, I thought I might try to “catch up” in the manner I traditionally use when communicating with people infrequently: Christmas letter.

Below is the letter my wife and I sent out to people we’d feel guilty not sending something to at least once a year.  Enjoy, and check back in May (or thereabouts) to see if I’ve gotten around to saying anything important here.

Crabtree Christmas Letter 2009

In our own words…Aaron: What a year… At home I have enjoyed planting a garden, time with my energetic children, backyard campfires, weekend getaways, and reading. It seems I am always in the middle of reading 7 or 8 books.   It has been a busy year at Grace College where I have been working (now as Associate Dean of Students) for nearly 7 years.  I continue to enjoy the opportunities to interact with college students as they wrestle with the deeper issues of faith, leadership, and growing up.    My favorite pastime remains spending time with my beloved bride.

Sarah: It’s been a stretching year.  I am realizing how much of life I can’t control as I watch these three amazing kids grow up (two felt more manageable).  Sadly, I lost my grandma Adams in February.  I miss her and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on how much of me is taken from the women I grew up with.

Highlights of the year have been: our 10-year anniversary, hugs from my children, my bookclub, camping at Indiana Dunes, walks in our neighborhood, dates with Aaron, coffee with creamer, visits with friends and family.

Wrigley (5.5): I have been good this year… I can’t wait until Christmas (I bought my brother a giant monkey, but don’t tell him.)  School has been fun.  I am in Kindergarten.  There is a boy in my class who needs sign language.  I like to play in the snow. Before there was snow I liked riding my bike - I learned how to ride a two-wheeler.  It is fun for me to learn.  My mom and dad are both 33 (hehe).  Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Theodore (nearly 4): Hello friends.  I like to read books - especially about Tigger and walking sticks (we took that one back to the library).  I try to be very good at playing games, because games are my favorite.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you all.

Josephine (15 months): (Unable to speak for herself, our thoughts about “Jo”) Daddy says,”We should have named her ‘Joy’ - she has an infectious smile - it gets bigger and bigger until she just squeals!” And her mother says, “Goodness, Josie is just the sweetest thing… which is good to remember when she is throwing a fit.”  Wrigley says, “She is now walking all over.  Today she walked all the way across the room to where I was sitting.”   “Josie fell two times today - one was when it was morning and one at bedtime.  She cried, but I brought her her favorite pink bunny.” said Theo.

Highlights of our celebration of Christmas in my hometown…

Happy Christmas!
Aaron

CLICK photo for more pictures from the day and Josephine Grace Crabtree!

Earlier this month, the national weather service dubbed a tropical depression with a ton of potential “Josephine” - fortunately for many in the Caribbean and Southern US, Tropical Storm Josephine puttered out right before she made it to the Bahamas.

Earlier today, my wife exhibited incredible courage by walking into the operating room and undergoing a Cesarean Section delivery of our third child.  We immediately dubbed this blessing Josephine Grace.  Unlike the storm mentioned above, this Josephine started slow (some minor breathing problems and excessive fluid in her lungs) but picked up steam (and volume) after a short time and seems in every way to be a healthy little baby girl.

Okay, so that was a pretty wordy way of announcing our daughter’s birth and name.  Here are some random thoughts about the day…

• I am in awe of my wife - actually all women - every time I witness such selflessness and love.  I’m not sure anything in my life will ever compare to the tangible way a mother loves a child. (Drop whatever you are doing right now and call your mom.)
• The emails and facebook messages and phone calls and visits from friends and families nearly overwhelms me.  With such supportive people in my life, why do I too often drift into feeling lonely?
• This might seem random (”um, this whole post seems random, Aaron.”)  But I was reminded today that time is a very limited resource.  I can’t believe Wrigley is going on 5 years old - she’ll be moving out and getting married before I know it. Love, on the other hand, is seemingly available in unlimited quantities.  How is it that with each additional child to love we don’t sacrifice the amount of love we have for the other children?
• Here’s the stats..  Born on September 26, 2008 at precisely 9:07am.  Weighing in at 6 lbs 15 oz.  18.75 inches from bald head to wrinkled toes.
• We choose her name for a variety of reasons… Both Josephine and Grace are names that appear in our family trees… We originally were thinking of Joseph as a boy’s name during our first child, so the feminine version just made sense when we were considering names this time around.  We really admire the 4 Josephs that are depicted in the Bible (specifically: Jacob’s son, Jesus’ earthly daddy, the man who donated Jesus’ tomb, and the “son of Encouragement”).  Grace is significant for many reasons… unmerited favor, Alma mater, current ministry, all that stuff…

Alright I’m exhausted - mentally, emotionally, you name it… off to (a very uncomfortable but appreciated none the less) bed!

Metanoia,
Aaron

So, in (let’s see…) 4 hours Sarah is scheduled to deliver child #3 via c-section.

I’m up early as #2 has a pesky cough that he can’t shake.  I offered him a cup of water which he seemed relieved to receive, but then sleepily poured down his neck.  We both laughed - an unexpected moment of joy at 4:40 in the middle of the night.  Now I can’t sleep.

This is literally a moment pregnant with anticipation… expectation… hope…

To be completely honest with myself - and I guess you the reader - the excitement is peppered with other moments, brief moments of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear.  I bounce between dreaming of wonderful future experiences with another daughter and rehearsals of “worst case scenarios.”  So, then I get all tied up in my thoughts - wanting to be positive yet realistic, wanting to cherish the moment but not ignore the risks.

So who can sleep?  Sarah’s not, I hear her tossing and turning, sniffing and sighing in the next room.  Do we even need to verbalize the confusion of these moments?

So, I pray.  I thank God for the opportunity to reflect on this moment.  Really, all of life should be viewed from this level.  I wish I were always aware of the imminent potential for joy or pain in a given moment.  To know that the stakes are high all the time. Life or death…  good or evil… success or failure… laughter or tears…

“Blessed be Your name when the sun’s shining down on me, when the world’s ‘all as it should be’ blessed be Your name. And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there’s pain in the offering, blessed be Your name.  Every blessing You pour out I’ll turn back to praise.  When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say, “Blessed be the name of the Lord!”

Metanoia,
Aaron

CLICK for photos of our Donut Date!

So today I was the guest of my firstborn daughter at her preschool’s “Dads and Doughnuts Day.”  As you might have guessed they are learning the letter D.  It was fun to spend time with her 1 on 1 - meeting her friends whom she would tell me she “loves” but then walk up to them and ask them their name.  It would make for an interesting study of men.  The 7 or 8 of us who accompanied our children mostly sat as far away as possible from each other sinking into our chairs with our attention fully on the one person we knew in the room.  We weren’t completely rude to each other, there were plenty of customary head nods and half smiles.  No eye contact, are you kidding?

In short, it is probably the exact opposite of what you’d have seen if it was a group of mothers with children in the same stage of life sharing a few plates of delicious doughnuts.  They’d have left the room 90 minutes later with everyone’s name memorized and a weeks worth of play dates and “coffees” planned.

Why are guys (and especially me) so hesitant to initiate new connections and introduce ourselves?  What makes me too proud or passive to stick my hand out, introduce myself, and ask questions to get to know someone?  When I look back on experiences like this today I feel like a coward.  Why does my fear show up in situations like this?  Why don’t I initiate relationship that doesn’t somehow benefit me?

In the beginning “God created man and women” - sometimes the distinction between those two is very clear - like at preschool open houses.

Okay, I’m not sure where all that introspection came from -  the time with my daughter was priceless and the doughnuts were Dang Delicious.

Metanoia,
Aaron