I can be quite the whiner.

You know it’s true… looking back through my recent posts - read them doing your best impression of a three year old and you’ll hear it - Aaron’s pity party. Sadly, it’s a party I’ve been throwing for most of the last 3 years… see?

I’m a blamer… discontent in my life pace, circumstances, workload, and spiritual zeal - I boldly… complain on my blog and try to think my way through it.  And it doesn’t work.

So, in my thinking I’ve came to a minor epiphany…  life is out of control.

Obvious, I know… but, I tend to miss the obvious when I’m this busy and this self absorbed.

I have a love/hate relationship with control.  I have always prided myself in my patience and flexibility - living life in a “holding my plans with an open hand” manner.  I see unmanipulated life circumstances as a sign of God’s will.  I appreciate meekness over passion.  And I generally take a “wait and see” approach to decisions.  I’ve judged others as “control freaks” for being conscientious, deliberate, or aggressive.  I desire to lead and “challenge the process” but in a kinder, gentler way.  I acquiesce… a lot.

I’m not supposed to be in control of my life -God is, right?  My “ah ha” lately is that neither God nor I is currently in control of this life.  I’ve delegated control to every single person in my life: students I serve at Grace, my co-workers, supervisors, family members… pretty much anyone who asks (’cause I can’t say “no” to anyone except Lowe’s employees).

My new goal is to be more proactive, less whiney - to take back some of the control.  Then, I can actually give control over to God as a direct act of worship. Free will restored and applied.

Yup.  That’s my goal.  Now to figure out HOW to do this, because it’s going to take some courage that I’ve seldom demonstrated in the past.

Lord, help me put faith and action to these learnings…

Metanoia,
Aaron

One of the largest obstacles to true Sabbath Keeping is leisure. (Rest of God, 35)

It appears I don’t rest well.  Instead of retreating to a time of sacred Sabbath, I usually spend my non-working time in one of two ways:

1. I maintain my pace (break-neck-busy) doing yardwork, shopping, home repair, and errands - stuff I don’t have time or energy for during “normal” times.  I stay locked into full-achievement gear.
2. I shut down.  This might look like a weekend of Hulu and movies, or an escape into a novel (I can’t put a book down once I start), or a trip to visit friends or family… it might just be an evening of mindless Facebook stalking or blog ingesting.  Vacating at its finest.

Neither is rest.  Neither is refreshing.  Neither gives me focus or perspective.  Neither feeds my soul.  One leaves me more exhausted than I was when I stopped working.  The other leaves me feeling guilty and reacquaints me with my stress when I check back in.

Don’t misunderstand what I am saying.  I NEED days like these - they are a part of a healthy rhythm of life.  There can be something quite satisfying about a day of working on my “honey do” list.  It’s good to get away from home to see loved ones and have some “alone time” from the mundane and familiar.  It can be life giving to lose yourself in a filmmakers storytelling or the pages of good book.  These things are not sin.

But they are also not Sabbath.  Not entirely.  And that’s where my thinking needs to shift.

What is sabbath?  Not entirely sure I’ve grasped that yet.  I’m only 40 pages into Buchanan’s book

Lent Update

We’re over a week into Lent and I’m feeling pretty good about the experience.  Here were my commitments:

• intentionally reflect on the pace of my life as it relates to work, rest, and busyness (I’ve done a TON of this - mostly to my great disappointment in myself.  Some of this processing I’ve done through this blog, and I’m actually fairly proud of my progress there - 4 posts in just over a week nearly matches my total for all of last year!)
• read Buchanan’s “The Rest of God” and other readings about Sabbath (2 chapters into Buchanan - FULLY enjoying.  Looking to reread a couple of chapters in Willard’s “The Great Omission” sometime soon.  There was a chapter about Sabbath there that was so convicting to me two years ago I haven’t been able to touch it - or finish it - since.  Am I really ready to take this topic seriously???  Do I have a choice?)
• take at least 4 days off before Easter (Took yesterday off - a Thursday.  It was a mixed blessing - not necessarily a Sabbath - I don’t think… but good to get away from the office and be with family most of the day, and a friend for breakfast. I’ve asked off two more days, still need to find a date for the fourth.)
• get more sleep (at least 6.5 hours, generally in bed by 11 and up by 6).  (I’m not doing stellar here.  Averaging 6 hours, but very inconsistent sleep/wake times.)
• no caffeine after lunch and no food after supper. (boo-yah, grandma!  I’ve done well in this “micro-fast” and finding it a great reminder of the “sacredness” of Lent.  Every time I grab a water instead of a Diet Coke or say “no” to a late night snack, I’m reminded of these commitments.

I find it comforting that this book I’m reading (Mark Buchanan’s “Rest of God” if you’ve not been following my recent posts) starts his argument for Sabbath Rest with a chapter on Work.  Because that’s what’s really the issue here - a bloated work life, a lack of understanding of vocation, and - quite possibly - an addiction to my career.  Many other articles and teachings I’ve heard on the topic of sabbath focus on the details of how to properly rest and what to do when you are on a Sabbath.  They tell you to STOP doing anything and focus attention on God and life and prayer.  That’s all well and good - and needed; but I feel they fail to acknowledge just how difficult that is when there is ALWAYS more work to do.  It takes two weeks of intentional preparation to take two days mostly off.  I’m not sure I can tell you how many days of vacation it takes me to finally start resting and to stop thinking of work, because I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced that.

I’m not sure what drives me to work (I’ve always struggled with pinpointing my motivations for just about anything).  Most likely, I’m driven by a gruesome combination of pride, guilt, people-pleasing, perfectionism, insecurity, and something that equates to “identity confusion.”  Even as I type those things I can think of times TODAY that I’ve felt them.  Messed up.

So, with Buchanan’s help, I’m working on my understanding of work.

Here’s what I’m learning:

• Like most things, work isn’t sinful but it is marred by the fall.  God created work - we’re designed to work, but the fall has made it miserable.  Work is in need of redemption along with the rest of creation.  So, I’m looking for the bright spots and striving to appreciate work more.
• With this mindset, I’m reminded that I actually LOVE what I GET to do in my work.  This morning I was in the classroom and out of my mouth came some words that actually made sense and students were nodding and I remembered that God created me to work.
• But it goes even further than appreciating the gift of work.  It’s not just the right skills aligned with the right task, nor is it the right personality lined up with the right career.  Work - in it’s proper light - is a spiritual experience; it is giving homage to God.

According to Buchanan, “The opposite of a slave is not a free man, it is a worshipper.  The one who is most free is the one who turns the work of his hands into sacrament, into offering… It is all the Lords’ work.  Virtually any job, no matter how grueling or tedious - any job that is not criminal or sinful - can be a gift from God, through God, and to God.  The work of our hands, by the alchemy of our devotion, becomes the worship of our hearts.  And more.  Work done in such a spirit has the power to reveal Christ himself.” (”The Rest of God” p24-25)

Finally, I absolutely loved what he did in this chapter with Luke 5.  I won’t try to reexplain it all here, but essentially he explains how Jesus’ summons of Peter to make him a fisher of men was not a statement about how much better “full time Christian service” is than “normal” work like fishing.  Rather, the narrative is about calling.  Jesus calls Peter to change professions just after Peter experiences the greatest success of his fishing career - so many fish he has to call for backup.  Here my mind goes insane with thoughts.

Thoughts which I’ll leave in my mind until next time I post…

Lord, help me to appreciate work.  Further, remind me often of the opportunity to worship you through work…

Metanoia,
Aaron

So, I’m 3.5 days into my journey of thinking about rest - my commitment for Lent this year.  To review, I’ve decided to:

• intentionally reflect on the pace of my life as it relates to work, rest, and busyness
• read Buchanan’s “The Rest of God” and other readings about Sabbath
• take at least 4 days off before Easter
• get more sleep (at least 6.5 hours, generally in bed by 11 and up by 6)
• no caffeine after lunch and no food after supper

The harder I worked, the less I accomplished… My days were intricately fitted together like the old game of of Mousetrap, every piece precariously connected to every other, the whole thing needing to work together foe it to work at all.  But there was little fruit and stunted fruit… Here’s a secret: for all my busyness, I was increasingly slothful.  I could wile away hours at a time in a masquerade of working, a pantomime of toil - fiddling  about on the computer, leafing through old magazines, chatting up people in the hallways. But I was squandering time, not redeeming it.  And whenever I stepped out for a vacation, I did just that: vacated, evacuated, spilled myself empty…  The inmost places suffered most.  I was losing perspective.  (The Rest of God, 1-2)

Any deep change in how we live begins with a deep change in how we think.  The biblical word for this is repentance - in Greek, metanoia, a change of mind. (The Rest of God, 4-5)

I am tired.

Not falling asleep in class tired (trust me, I’ve experienced that numerous times), or out of breath tired. it’s not exactly sick-and-tired.  I’m not necessarily upset about this, in fact, if I’m being honest, I actually enjoy it sometimes.  It’s the tired you get when you continuously engage in a tiresome schedule and run at a tiring pace.  It’s a work + family + friends + church + house tired.

It’s a too busy for rest tired.

And it’s becoming a problem.

I’m not experiencing a “tired crisis” of any specific kind.  I’m relatively healthy, my family is relatively supportive and happy, my relationships are okay - maybe not great, but okay, and my walk with God seems fairly close.  But something tells me that this “tired” isn’t okay.

Living tired isn’t living.

Obviously, I’m having a bit of a hard time defining this.  But there are a few things I’m sure of: it isn’t healthy, it isn’t life as God intended, and I have a responsibility to do something about it.

Now, if you are reading this (welcome inside my head, by the way. I’m probably writing this more for the benefit of organizing my thoughts than to influence yours, but figured others might be able to speak toward or benefit from my musings if I threw them out here…) please don’t simplify this issue.  I don’t want to hear trite encouragements to “pray more,” or “take more time off,” or - my favorite - “prioritize.”  All those are truth, but I’m too tired to see clearly how to apply that advice.

This tiredness… this life-pace problem… this work/rest relationship is complicated.  I’ve been down this road a thousand times only to realize again and again that I’ve gone in a circle.  I’ve tried spiritual practices, being more health conscious, seeking wise counsel, and building better boundaries.  Both problem and solutions are multi-layered and potentially chronic.

So, I’ve decided on a first step.  I’m going to… here it comes… think about this more.

Perhaps that seems like a weak first step, but I’m pretty tired, and when I’m tired, intentional reflection is the first casualty.  So, I’m going to spend some time and energy (both in short supply) considering how I can overcome tiredness, find my rhythm, restore my soul, and start really living.

I’m grateful for some religious leaders at some unknown point in history instituted a time of spiritual preparation in the 40 days leading up to Easter called “Lent.”  I’ve adopted this practice at various times in the past to focus my life in one direction or another.  So this year I’m going to do some thinking.

For the sake of accountability and my own processing… here’s what this “thinking” will look like:

• use this blog to share some thoughts about topics like work, rest, sabbath, and pace
• read Mark Buchanan’s “The Rest of God”
• review 3 or 4 other books and articles I’ve collected on this topic in the last couple of years.
• be intentional to get enough sleep each night (goal: in bed by 11, at least 6.5 hours a night).
• take a “tithe” of these 40 days off - 4 days may not seem like a lot, but this is spring at Grace College.
• I’m not sure how this fits, but traditionally Lent has included abstaining from something for this brief time.  I’ve decided to cut out all food after supper and all coffee after lunch.

If you are here, you probably clicked on the link from my email signature, or my facebook page, or maybe my twitter profile.  You might immediately notice that I don’t update this thing very consistently.  Sorry if this has wasted your time in the past.

While I have worked on a couple of posts but never published them, I thought I might try to “catch up” in the manner I traditionally use when communicating with people infrequently: Christmas letter.

Below is the letter my wife and I sent out to people we’d feel guilty not sending something to at least once a year.  Enjoy, and check back in May (or thereabouts) to see if I’ve gotten around to saying anything important here.

Crabtree Christmas Letter 2009

In our own words…Aaron: What a year… At home I have enjoyed planting a garden, time with my energetic children, backyard campfires, weekend getaways, and reading. It seems I am always in the middle of reading 7 or 8 books.   It has been a busy year at Grace College where I have been working (now as Associate Dean of Students) for nearly 7 years.  I continue to enjoy the opportunities to interact with college students as they wrestle with the deeper issues of faith, leadership, and growing up.    My favorite pastime remains spending time with my beloved bride.

Sarah: It’s been a stretching year.  I am realizing how much of life I can’t control as I watch these three amazing kids grow up (two felt more manageable).  Sadly, I lost my grandma Adams in February.  I miss her and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on how much of me is taken from the women I grew up with.

Highlights of the year have been: our 10-year anniversary, hugs from my children, my bookclub, camping at Indiana Dunes, walks in our neighborhood, dates with Aaron, coffee with creamer, visits with friends and family.

Wrigley (5.5): I have been good this year… I can’t wait until Christmas (I bought my brother a giant monkey, but don’t tell him.)  School has been fun.  I am in Kindergarten.  There is a boy in my class who needs sign language.  I like to play in the snow. Before there was snow I liked riding my bike - I learned how to ride a two-wheeler.  It is fun for me to learn.  My mom and dad are both 33 (hehe).  Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Theodore (nearly 4): Hello friends.  I like to read books - especially about Tigger and walking sticks (we took that one back to the library).  I try to be very good at playing games, because games are my favorite.  I hope you have a great day.  I love you all.

Josephine (15 months): (Unable to speak for herself, our thoughts about “Jo”) Daddy says,”We should have named her ‘Joy’ - she has an infectious smile - it gets bigger and bigger until she just squeals!” And her mother says, “Goodness, Josie is just the sweetest thing… which is good to remember when she is throwing a fit.”  Wrigley says, “She is now walking all over.  Today she walked all the way across the room to where I was sitting.”   “Josie fell two times today - one was when it was morning and one at bedtime.  She cried, but I brought her her favorite pink bunny.” said Theo.

You can’t be a Cubs fan without having a clear-headed love for the late Harry Caray.

You fondly remember the call when Rick Sutcliffe struck out the batter to clinch the division pennant in 84.  Almost as clearly you remember the times when he seemingly wasn’t even watching the game as he droned on about his love of nachos, the smell of pine tar, or a pain he was experiencing in his foot.  You didn’t believe he was the greatest living baseball expert or the most eloquent commentator, but somehow he connected with you, the cable-subscribing baseball fan.  Harry was a real person, a true Cubs fan, and we LOVED him for it.

All that to say, I think Will Farrell’s caricature of him is genius.   I’m not sure how I missed his reprisal of that sketch in this year’s season finale of SNL, but I just came across it today.  Literally laughed so hard I lost control of the laptop.  Enjoy.

Don’t think I remembered to actually publish this when I meant to back in July…

I won’t give a long description of what “moving beyond” is all about, but basically it’s about:

• seeing our faith as a journey
• enduring and learning through whatever trial we are currently facing
• growing forward through life
• following God in obedience
• a discontentment with the status quo
• seeing ourselves as aliens and exiles

The following is a transcipt of a conversation with my five year old before bed tonight:

Me: Who is Jesus?

Daughter: the true spirit.

Me: (bewildered) are you sure?

Daughter: He’s really hard for me to describe.

Me: that’s true.  What else do you know about him?

Daughter: He is a man… He has a beard… He always obeys.

Me: Do you always obey?

Daughter: (tentatively) No

Me: Do I always obey?

Daughter: (enthusiastically) No

Me: Does Mommy obey?

Daughter: She disobeyed when she was little.

Me: Goodnight.

What I take from this interaction is that she might understand the basics about Jesus and sin as clearly as I do… maybe clearer.  But, can she explain “substitutionary atonement” or,”hypostatic union?”

Metanoia,
Aaron

Last week, my friend and co-worker, Dan Huber, and I were asked to co-teach a couple of hours in the “Gender and Sexuality” course on the topic of “the Essence of Masculinity.”  I initially thought it must be some sort of joke, but no, the invitation was legit.  

So, with only a week to prepare, we set out on the task of understanding and facilitating a conversation on this topic - a process which consumed 5 or 6 movies, gallons of coffee, and at least one all-nighter.  Two things were instantly evident: 1) There is a lot of content pertaining to men, male issues, and the roles men play in the family, church, workplace, and society, but not much on our specific topic. 2) This is a very personal issue.  When you start defining and identifying “masculinity” major defenses rise up inside a man.  Every definition I came across (and there are not many out there brave/stupid enough to try to define it) was, internally, a measurement of my own worth and competence.  So, I had to try to get over myself quite a bit, but in the end I had a ton of fun with the topic and really enjoyed teaching with someone as talented as Dan.

Basically we decided to lead the class in identifying positive characteristics they have observed in the men that have fathered them throughout life (dads, brothers, relatives, teachers, mentors) and then use that context to build a working definition of masculinity.  We then shared with the class our working definition:

One who takes responsibility for himself and others by engaging, cultivating, protecting and providing.

 As I mentioned above, this is not a term on which many are willing to pin a definition, but we’re new at this and don’t know any better.  We spent some time fleshing it out and answering questions about how well this captures the “essence of masculinity.”  Finally we identified four general ways in which men respond to their masculinity.  This gave us a way of categorizing common issues men deal with.  

Over compensation (The Man’s Man)  flimsy expressions of masculinity – safe places of comfort and competence where men retreat to appear masculine… 

Disconnection (The Mama’s Boy)  When the label of “masculine” doesn’t feel right, is rejected, or is simply met with passivity…  

Control (The Escape Artist)  the places men go to feel powerful and in control – over people or situations or themselves…

Embracing Masculinity – owning and accepting our masculinity as a central part of our identity and calling in life…

With each of these responses, we illustrated the response with a list of ways this response could demonstrate itself in behavior.  We also shared ways we’ve seen these played out (anonymously) on our college campus.  We also shared examples from the bible of men responding in these ways.

If anyone is reading this - I know I have only posted twice in 5 months - I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts on our (working) definition and these four responses.  Defining anything can be dangerous, but the process of defining is a great teaching mechanism.  Clearly, in this case, I am learning much more than I could have possibly taught.  

Metanoia,
Aaron